Life or Death
by Autumn2930
Summary: When Rusty's worst fear comes true, how will he cope?
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: mentions drug use.**

Inserting the key into the deadbolt, Rusty unlocked the door and walked inside the condo. It had been a long day at school and he was exhausted but he had hours worth of homework he needed to complete. He had chosen to study at home hoping the quiet might help him focus better. Setting his backpack on the ground near the couch, he kicked off his black canvas shoes, and headed to the kitchen for a snack. Reaching for a box of crackers he scanned the contents of the fridge and grabbed a few slices of lunchmeat. Placing them on a plate he made the decision to eat on the couch. Sharon would never know if he was super careful.

Mindful of crumbs, Rusty took a couple bites of his snack and reached inside his bag for his history book. He had a quiz tomorrow on WWI and he hadn't cracked open the chapters dedicated to it once. He knew this was completely his fault, but he'd had a lot of homework the past few days and this quiz had slipped his mind. Turning his cell phone to vibrate he set it on the coffee table, opened the book and started to read.

Forty minutes later, he glanced at the wall clock and yawned. He liked history but he didn't understand why the authors of these textbooks couldn't at least try to make it interesting. It was so dry and none of the facts, that he was sure the teacher would quiz on tomorrow, were sticking in his sleep-deprived brain.

Glancing down at his phone, he wondered how Sharon and the team were doing. They had been called to a case at five this morning and he hadn't heard anything from her all day. Usually she text him to make sure he got to the condo safely if he wasn't at the precinct after class. She hadn't today, making him wonder how bad the case was for her to forget. Picking up his phone he decided the least he could do was inform her he was at home safely. In the middle of texting, his phone began to vibrate and he smiled when he saw who it was.

"Hey Sharon. How's the case going?" He asked leaning back against the couch and placing his grey-socked feet on the edge of the table. He quickly slid them to the floor with a smirk. He could just picture Sharon's face as she reprimanded him for putting his feet on her immaculate table.

"Hey!" she said warmly although exhaustion was evident in her voice.

It's not going well Rusty. I'm going to be late. There are leftovers in the fridge if you are hungry. You did eat something when you came home, right?"

Rolling his eyes at her concern, Rusty replied,

"Yes, I did eat. Thank you, but you don't have to worry about me. Even if we didn't have leftovers I can cook for myself,"

"I know," she said softly. She did know he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself, but he had to from such a young age, she wanted to take care of him as long as possible until he went off to college.

"What have you been up to?" she asked reclining back in her desk chair needing to hear his voice after the horrible case she was currently working.

"Oh, it's been an adventurous afternoon. I've had a date with a history book. Its like the authors of these text books are trying to put me to sleep and make me uninterested in the subject,"

Her dry chuckle caused Rusty to smile.

"Don't study too hard," she said gently

"I won't," he replied.

"Have you heard from your mom lately?"

Sighing, Rusty rubbed his forehead. It was a sensitive subject for him. He couldn't quite describe how he was feeling about his mom. At Signal Hill she was the mother he remembered from his younger days. It seemed like she really was trying to get better. Then there was that brutal conversation right before she was released. That still hurt and nothing his mom could say would take those feelings away. As much as he was disappointed she hadn't called or text him, in a way it was a relief. He didn't need to deal with her manipulations. All he wanted was to focus on getting through the next few weeks of school.

"No, but its ok. If she is getting high again, I'd rather not hear from her. Its easier for me to focus on my future,"

Sharon frowned hearing the underlying sadness in his voice. He was right. His mother most likely had returned to being a drug addict, and he didn't need that kind of drama in his life. But, she knew he was disappointed. It was the same way she felt every time Jack had chosen the bottle or gambling over her and the children.

"I'm so sorry Rusty. I know how disappointing it is when loved ones make poor choices,"

"Yup," he said looking down at the floor.

"What's your newest case about?" He asked changing the subject.

"It's…" Sharon trailed off and he could hear her talking to someone.

"Rusty, something came up involving this case and I have to go. If you need anything please call or text,"

"I will. Stay safe Sharon," he said before saying goodbye and hanging up.

Glancing at the time as he set his phone down, Rusty decided it was too soon to eat dinner, and returned to reading. He had covered maybe three paragraphs when his phone started vibrating again. Looking at the screen he frowned when the caller ID said unknown. Groaning in frustration he hit the decline button sending it straight to voicemail. The only person he didn't have a number to was his mother, and like he had just gotten done telling Sharon, he wasn't in the mood to deal with her.

Returning to his studies, he closed his eyes as his phone continued to vibrate over and over. He thought about shutting it off, but knew Sharon would become worried if she couldn't get in touch with him later. Eventually he couldn't take it anymore, and tossing the book on the couch in frustration, he grabbed the phone and answered with a sharp

"What do you want?"

"Rusty,"

"I have a quiz tomorrow and I need to study. I am not going to pick you up. I am not going to supply you with alcohol or drugs. I am not your babysitter mom,"

"Rusty… 'm sorry," she slurred and Rusty froze. The tone of her voice was off. It wasn't just slurred and distant, it sounded weak. Almost death like.

" Mom, what did you do?"

"Sorry…"

"Stop saying you're sorry! What did you take? Where are you?" He demanded.

"Diego St…." she trailed off.

"Diego street? Our old house?" He asked his eyes widening wondering how she had managed to get in there. The government had foreclosed on that house years ago once his mother became delinquent on house payments and started spending her money on drugs.

"sorr…."

"Mom, talk to me. Are you ok?" He asked painfully remembering how she sounded when she overdosed when he was thirteen.

He was met with silence.

"Mom. Mom!" he yelled his heart racing so fast he felt dizzy.

"Damn it!" Resisting the urge to throw his phone against the wall, he shoved his feet into his shoes, grabbed his backpack, and raced out the door. Pushing the down button to the elevator multiple times, he decided the stairs would be faster and hurried towards the staircase door. Taking them two at a time he hoped he wouldn't slip as he raced down eleven floors of steps to the parking garage. Completely out of breath, he forced himself towards his car then sank into the drivers seat.

Throwing his backpack towards the passenger side, he started the engine and quickly backed out, somehow managing to buckle his seatbelt, as he jammed the gas petal and merged into traffic. It wasn't till he was halfway to his old house that he thought to get law enforcement involved.

Memories of the last time flooded his mind, and pounding the steering wheel he let out an angry scream. He couldn't believe she was potentially putting him through this again. Was she ever going to get better? He didn't understand why she turned back to drugs after making it through rehab. He couldn't understand why she always seemed to choose drugs over him.

Swerving into the right lane, Rusty dialed 911 informing them of a potential drug overdose victim at 5330 South Diego Street, before hanging up and focusing on arriving there safely. Twenty minutes later, he squealed into the driveway of the dilapidated house. The roof was in shambles, several windows were cracked or broken and the weeds were at least as high as his hips. Signs were plastered all over warning people that the house was condemned.

Feeling afraid for his own safety for the first time since he left the condo, Rusty wondered what was waiting for him inside this house. Would Gary, her boyfriend, be there to seek revenge for the time he had finally had enough and beat him up? Would any of the friends she got high with be lounging around in a drug stupor? He knew from first hand experience how certain drugs made people violent.

Looking over the property once more he felt anxiety eat away at the lining of his stomach. The place was perfect for anyone who needed shelter to get high in. It was not a place anyone in their right mind would walk into, but his mom was inside and despite all the things she had done to him, she was his mom. He felt responsible to make sure she was alright and get her the help she needed. Taking a deep breath he shoved his phone in the front pocket of his jeans and walked up the crumbling porch steps.

The moment the door swung open, Rusty gagged. The air inside smelled of urine, feces, and vomit. He longed for Sharon, but he refused to call and put her in this kind of danger. He was almost eighteen and he had dealt with worse. Throwing his shoulders back he took a deep breath, held his nose and took a small step inside.

The sun was starting to set, casting an eerie glow behind him, and the windows had been blacked out with towels so dirty Rusty was afraid to step too close to them. Standing halfway in the doorway he reached a hand out for the light switch he vaguely remembered was to the wall on the left. Finding it, he switched it on and off dismayed when the house remained dark. Taking out his cell phone he turned on the flashlight app and shone it around. The room inside had no furniture. The only decorations were the copious amounts of empty cheap beer bottles and used needles that were scattered everywhere across the filthy stained brown carpet.

His heart pounding loudly, he took another few steps inside, resisting the urge to yell out for his mother in case there were any transients lounging around. Sweeping his phone back and forth he gagged a few times at the horrendous smell, swallowed hard, then turned right. Slowly heading down the dark hallway he remained mindful of all the discarded needles and prayed he wouldn't step on one.

The first bedroom was to the left of the hallway and stopping at the edge of the doorway, he closed his eyes willing his heart to slow down and peeked inside. It too was void of furniture except for a few burnt spoons, lighters and empty plastic bags. There were also no sleeping or stoned bodies on the ground. Turning, he continued down the hallway hoping to hear sirens soon. The next bedroom was void of human contact and he plunged on down the dark hallway, cringing when a cockroach dropped from the ceiling on top of him. Brushing it off his shoulder he watched for a second as it scurried away, then increased his pace towards the master bedroom.

Shining his light inside his heart stopped as he saw his mom lying on her back, froth dried on her face and a needle still inserted in the crook of her arm. She was strangely still, not a sound came from her. Terror filled him and he rushed forward yelling

"Mom!"

Dropping to his knees, he put a hand on her right arm shaking her and calling her name over and over. A wave of nausea rushed through him when her head rolled towards him and he saw her open green eyes that were blood shot and glazed over. His mouth opened in horror and he let out a scream. Falling backwards he scrambled for the wall, trying to get away from the eyes that stared unblinking right through him.

Shaking his head and trying to get his emotions in control he forced himself towards her body and placed two fingers on her carotid artery.

"Please, please!" he sobbed, pressing down harder in desperation.

He waited a few seconds more before his arm fell and backing away he leaned against the wall sobbing.

The drugs had won. Her addiction had taken her forever.

"Why mom!" he sobbed banging his head against the wall in frustration ignoring the pain that shot through him at the contact. He heard sirens in the distance and knew he needed to get outside or they would leave. No paramedic would walk inside without some sort of backup in a condemned house.

Shakily standing up, he stumbled to the front door before collapsing on the front steps. Wrapping his arms around his legs, he laid his head on his knees and continued to cry. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop. The dead image of his mom swirled through his mind like a fast twirling merry-go-round. He felt numb, like this wasn't real life. More than anything, he wanted Sharon's arms around him telling him everything would be ok, even if he knew she was lying.

The ambulance stopped in front of the house and Rusty half raised his head watching through his tears as a couple of paramedics stepped out of the vehicle, hesitated, and walked towards him.

"Kid, are you ok?" One of them asked walking closer.

"She's dead." He said his voice shaking with tears.

Looking at all the condemned signs on the property, the paramedics looked at each other before one radioed for the cops and the other sat next to him.

"Explain to me what happened and why you are here at this house," He said gently.

"My mom…. She is…was... a drug addict. She got out of rehab a few weeks ago," Rusty stopped as a fresh wave of tears hit him. Swallowing hard he continued.

"I was studying at my foster mom's house when she called me. She sounded like she did the first time she overdosed. She managed to tell me where she was. When I came here she was…." He trailed off turning his head embarrassed as tears fell onto his cheeks.

He felt a hand squeeze his arm in a sign of comfort, as a couple of police vehicles squealed to a stop. Neighbors peered out their windows curious as to what was happening at the abandoned house. The paramedic who had radioed for backup walked over to meet them explaining the situation. Two officers walked up the steps and disappeared inside. Minutes later they emerged shaking their heads at the paramedics.

The younger of the two officers, who had been informed of the situation with Rusty, sat down beside him.

"I'm sorry about your mother,"

Not knowing what to say, Rusty merely mumbled a thank you and stared straight ahead wondering if he was going to be in any legal trouble.

"I was informed that you have a foster mom. What's her name?"

"Captain Sharon Raydor," he sniffed.

"Head of Major Crimes?"

Rusty nodded wishing he was anywhere but on this porch. He wished this was just a horrible nightmare, and more than anything, he wished for the comforting arms of Sharon. He just hoped she wouldn't be mad at him for leaving to rescue his mom.


	2. Chapter 2

Sitting in the chair behind her desk, Sharon bent slightly and rubbed one of her sore feet. She glanced periodically out the window at the pictures of their victim. She was exhausted and this case kept reaching dead ends. The potential lead, led nowhere, and everyone on the squad was feeling frustrated and discouraged. Pushing the home button on her Iphone, she glanced at the time. It wasn't horribly late, but she figured a few hours away from the precinct, plus some sleep, would put a new perspective on the case for everyone. Besides, even though Rusty said he was fine, she had this strange feeling he needed her.

Slipping her heels back on, she stood up and made her way to the main room. Her squad, although worn-out looking, were joking around amongst each other. Sharon couldn't help but lean against the wall and watch them interact. It was refreshing after a day like theirs.

"Did you need anything Captain?" Provinsa asked. Everyone turned to look at her.

"Oh, I just wanted to let you know you all can go home. We'll pick up where we left off tomorrow,"

There were a few nods and grateful looks, as they shut down computers and gathered their belongings.

"I know today has been frustrating, but I wanted to let you know how well you all did. It's truly an honor working with every one of you, and I appreciate all your hard work," Sharon said with a smile at the team she had grown to love and considered family.

Everyone smiled back, and Det. Sykes said,

"It's been an honor to work for you as well,"

Sharon was about to return to her office, to grab her computer bag and purse, when she noticed a young, nervous looking officer walking towards them. The young man stopped when he got to the room, quickly looking around.

"May I help you?" she asked walking towards him.

"Captain Raydor?"

"Yes," she narrowed her eyes in question.

The young man looked at her, and then at the team, who were staring at him.

"My name is Officer John. I'm here about your foster son Rusty," he replied looking at her with pain in his eyes. He had only been on the job for a few days, and he felt horrible for the teenager he had spoken to on the porch.

Sharon froze, her face paling, and her eyes widening at the mention of Rusty. He had told her he was studying for a history test. Did something happen at the apartment? Did he leave and get into an accident? Whatever it was, the visible pain in the man's eyes unnerved her. Slipping her hands into the pockets of her blue blazer, she forced herself to remain calm. He hadn't given her any facts yet, and until he did, there was no sense in overreacting.

"Rusty? Is he okay?" She asked, forcing images of her son, lying dead on one of Dr. Morales's tables, from her mind. She felt a hand on her arm, and turning her head, she looked over at Provinsa. Her team, had also gathered closer, ready to offer support.

The officer shook his head and Sharon took in a sharp, panicked breath.

"What happened? Is he in the hospital?" She managed to say feeling slightly faint with anxiety. Provinsa tightened his hold on her arm worriedly.

"No, physically he is fine, emotionally I don't think anyone in his situation could be," Turning to look at Provinsa, she struggled to breath against the knot of worry that had settled on top of her chest.

"Tell me what happened!" She demanded staring the officer down, with the same look she directed at suspects who refused to cooperate. The officer, who looked as if he wanted to crawl underneath a desk, hesitated before saying,

"I'm screwing this up. This is only the second notification I've had to do and…"

"Officer John, take a deep breath. Tell us what happened today," Provinsa interrupted calmly.

Taking the Lieutenants advice, John finally said,

"We responded to a 911 phone call about a potential overdose victim. When paramedics arrived at the house they found Rusty on the front steps in emotional distress. He explained that his mother had called him, and she sounded so out of it, he knew she had overdosed. When he arrived at the house, he found her dead,"

Sharon's shoulders slumped. Of all the potentially traumatic possibilities that had flooded her mind, finding his mother dead hadn't been one. She was grateful he wasn't physically injured, but this was horrible. No child should have to find their mother had passed on, especially from a drug overdose. Her green eyes filled with tears as she pictured the pain he was in.

"He witnessed his mother's death?" Flynn asked, a horrified expression crossing his face.

"From what I understand, she had already overdosed when he searched for her in the condemned drug house,"

"He went inside a drug house?" Provinsa asked, fear in his own eyes as he looked at Sharon, who looked flabbergasted at the news.

"Yes, sir. I would have reprimanded him myself, but it didn't seem like the right time,"

"Where is he?" Sharon asked refusing to think about the danger he had placed himself in. Right now, all Rusty needed was her love and support.

"He's in the morgue with his mother. He insisted on staying with her once they removed her body from the house,"

Without another word, Sharon took off towards the elevators. She wanted and needed to be there. She longed to wrap her arms around him, and take away some of his pain.

Turning to look at the team, Officer John saw a bunch of disapproving faces.

"We tried to bring him up here, but he insisted on staying with his mother. He wanted to say goodbye,"

"That's not why we're disappointed," Sanchez snapped at him.

"Okay?" he asked confused.

"How long have you been on the force?" Provinsa asked putting a hand out to silence Sanchez.

"This is my first week,"

"Lets talk about what went wrong and a better way to notify loved ones," Provinsa replied guiding him to the conference room.

Looking at his team members, Flynn shook his head and quickly followed after Sharon.

Reaching the elevators, Sharon pounded on the down key mumbling,

"Come on!" at the slow moving elevator.

"Captain" Flynn said coming up behind her and touching her arm. Turning to look at him, Flynn felt his heart drop when he saw hurt, fear and tears in her eyes.

Flynn wrapped his arms around her, allowing her to cry, and release the adrenaline rush she felt after Officer John informed her of Rusty's situation.

"He's been through so much. I wish I could have protected him," She murmured, shaking her head and wiping away the tears that had fallen on her cheeks.

"Why didn't he call me?"

"He probably wanted to protect you,"

"He's the child! I should be protecting him!" She replied feeling angry at the situation his mother had once again placed him in. Stepping away, and putting a hand to her forehead, she took several deep breaths to calm herself.

"I'm not sure what to say to him,"

"Sharon, you'll know when you see him. Do you want me to go down with you?"

"No, I need to do this alone,"

Flynn nodded in understanding as the elevator doors slid open.

"Is there anything that I, or the team, can do to help?" he asked as Sharon stepped inside the elevator, and reached a hand out to push the button for the morgue.

"Could you please call Dr. Joe and inform him of the situation. Rusty is going to need him,"

Flynn agreed.

"We'll stay here till we hear from you,"

"Thank you," she said with a sad smile.

Sharon worked on composing herself, as the elevator took her in the direction of the morgue. She had no idea what Rusty's emotions would be. He could be angry and lash out, or he could be clingy. She prepared herself for both.

When the elevator doors slid open, she rushed forward and stopped when she saw Dr. Morales, and another officer. Both wore grim expressions on their faces. Looking at her, Dr. Morales nodded towards the doors that led to the autopsy room.

"He's in there with his mom. He hasn't let go of her hand since I laid her on the table,"

"Are we sure it was a drug overdose and not foul play?" Sharon asked looking at the metal door, wondering if she should give Rusty a few more minutes alone.

"Well, I won't say for sure until I've done the autopsy, but with the froth that was dried around her mouth and face, I'd tentatively say she asphyxiated on her own vomit. Common, you know, with heroin addicts.

Sharon nodded sorrowfully, before looking at the officer, who introduced himself as Michael.

"He was quiet the entire way here Captain. Just stared out the window,"

"Where is this house located? I would like to see it,"

"Captain, it's a condemned building. The structure is unstable and areas of the roof are falling in. The inside was filled with drug paraphernalia. Everything you'd find in a place where transients, who need a place to get high, would go. It's not a place I would recommend visiting. The city is in the process of knocking it down.

Closing her eyes for a moment, she soaked that information in.

"I don't care. I need to view the place where Rusty went. I need to see where he found his mother. I need to put myself in his place so I can figure out how to help him,"

Officer Michael looked at her with understanding. It was common for most mothers to need to know and feel what their child felt, during a traumatic event.

"I'll e-mail you the address, but I'd recommend bringing someone with you. Once our officers have collected all the evidence, who knows who will be in there next. We don't have enough officers to guard every abandoned building in this city.

Sharon thanked him, then bracing herself, walked towards the metal door. Pulling it open, the door made a whoosh sound. The noise didn't faze Rusty, and turning to face him, she gazed with concern at the teenager, taking in his appearance. He was dressed in the dark blue jeans and grey hoody he had been wearing for school this morning. He stood, forlornly, next to the table, gingerly holding his deceased mother's hand.

Taking a few more tentative steps inside, she stood, silently watching him. She longed to hold him and comfort him, but didn't want to interrupt his goodbye. She could imagine how numb, and confused he was feeling. He needed to find a way to come to terms with his mother's death. He needed to be able to say goodbye to the dream he had of her getting better, and becoming the mother he remembered as a child.

Raising his head to wipe at his eyes, Rusty saw her. When their eyes connected, the look of utter desolation in them took Sharon's breath away. Raising her arms instinctively, she was surprised when he dropped his mother's hand and rushed towards her. He was sobbing deep, wounded, cries before she could even wrap her arms around him. He clung to her as she gently rocked back and forth making soothing sounds.

When she felt his body start to shake with the stress he had endured from this afternoon, she reached one hand towards the handle of the door. Opening it, she guided them, with the help of Dr. Morrales and Officer Michael, to the bench near the wall. She wasn't sure how long they stayed wrapped in each other's arms, but movement to her right caused her head to pop up.

Dr. Joe was cautiously walking towards them. She realized with relief that Dr. Morales and Officer Michael had left, probably to give them privacy. Rusty pulled away from Sharon and looked at Dr. Joe with red-rimmed eyes. One arm was still around his foster mom, unwilling to break away from the comfort she offered. Sharon was grateful for that, since she wasn't quite ready to let go of him yet. Gently rubbing his back in small circles, she remained silent as Dr. Joe sat on the other side of Rusty and put a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Dr Joe?" Rusty hoarsely said.

"Rusty, I am so sorry!" he replied

Rusty gave him a small smile.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

Rusty nodded.

Looking over at the shelves with wrapped up dead bodies, Dr. Joe grimaced saying,

"Lets head up to Sharon's office. I think that would be a much better place to talk. Does that sound okay?"

Rusty agreed and the three stood, heading towards the elevators. Walking into the main room of major crimes, Rusty hesitated when he saw the entire team at their desks. Several of them rose and looked at him with sympathy.

"Rusty, we are so sorry. We're here if you need anything," Flynn said.

Rusty nodded and quickly headed towards the privacy of Sharon's office. Dr. Joe said a quick hello and then followed his patient, leaving Sharon standing before her team.

"Thank you for staying here. I appreciate your patience and support. Please go home and get some rest. We're going to be awhile. Leut. Provinsa, I'm taking tomorrow off. Would you please take over? If you need anything just call,"

"No worries Captain. Take as much time as you and Rusty need. We'll keep you in the loop," Provinsa replied.

Thanking them, she walked towards her office, and hesitated. She wasn't sure if Rusty preferred to be alone with Dr. Joe. Noticing her hesitation through the window, Rusty said something and Dr. Joe beckoned her inside. Closing the door behind her, Sharon sank into the closest chair, not wanting to interrupt anything.

For the next hour, with Dr. Joe guidance, Rusty explained the situation in great detail. Closing her eyes, Sharon pictured herself in the house next to him. It bothered and angered her that he had walked inside that house, regardless of his safety. She wasn't angry with Rusty, he did what anyone worried about a loved one would do. She was furious with Sharon Beck. She was furious at the fact that she had chosen drugs over her amazing son. She was furious with her for calling and expecting him to rescue her. She was enraged that this so-called-mother, put her own wants and needs before her son, placing him in jeopardy over and over, until the day she died.

"It still feels unreal. I mean, I know she's gone, I get that, I…." He trailed off unable to think of the words he needed.

Dr. Joe nodded in understanding.

"This is the first step in the process of grieving, Rusty. It's called denial, and right now your mother's death will feel unreal. It's our brain's way of coping. But, this will pass and other emotions will come forward, and I want you to feel them and accept them. It's normal to cry or to feel angry. To ignore these emotions, push them aside, will hinder the process of healing. We're here for you,"

Rusty stared at the wall, leaning his head against his arm exhaustedly. Assessing his patients' demeanor, Dr. Joe decided to end the session. Looking at Sharon, he stood up and grabbed his briefcase.

"I'd like to see you in my office in a few days. If you need anything between then, call me," he directed at Rusty.

Standing up with him, Sharon shook his hand, thanking him for coming to the precinct. When he had left the office, she walked over to Rusty, who was slinging his backpack over his shoulders.

"Are you hungry? Would you like me to stop and pick up a pizza or burgers?"

Shaking his head he said,

"I'm not very hungry, but we can stop and get you something if you would like,"

"I'm fine with leftovers. Let's get you home," she replied putting an arm around his shoulders and bringing him in for a hug. Kissing the top of his head, she reached for her bag and they headed home.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, liked and are following this story! I really appreciate it. I apologize for spelling Provenza's name wrong in the last chapter. Thank you for letting me know. This chapter is a bit dark and deals with suicidal thoughts. Please do not read if it will trigger or upset you. I've had experience working with grieving or abused teenagers, and suicidal thoughts and actions unfortunately, are not uncommon. I hope you enjoy!**

Rusty tossed and turned in bed. It was barely two in the morning and he had been awake for almost an hour. For the past three days, he had been experiencing horrible nightmares involving his mother. He was usually able to shrug them off, but this one got to him. At the end of the dream his mother, with her dead, unfocused eyes, turned to him saying,

"Now you are all alone"

Fluffing his pillow, Rusty threw his head back in frustration. He was all alone. Yes, he had Sharon, but other than her, he had no known biological relatives, unless you counted Daniel Dunn, and he never wanted to think about him. Previously, when his mother abandoned him, he still had hope she would become clean and find him. Now, that dream was gone.

Giving up on sleep, he kicked the covers off, rolled out of bed and padded towards the bathroom. Flipping on the light, he winced at the brightness, then taking a few steps towards the mirror he stared at his eyes. They were a similar shade of green to his mothers. He had her eyes. Eyes, that at this moment, looked as dead as the ones that constantly haunted his dreams.

Forcing back a sob, he turned the handle to the cold water and splashed some on his face. He needed to calm down. He needed sleep. He needed to stop dwelling on his dead mother. He needed something to distract him, so he made the decision to go back to school. Three days off was more than enough, and he knew the pile of work that awaited him, would keep his mind off this situation. Sharon hadn't been sure if it was the best decision, but he had informed her he needed to get caught up so he could graduate. Besides, he knew she was needed back at work, and he didn't want her to lose her job.

Drying his face with the red hand towel, Rusty walked towards the living room and sank exhaustedly into the couch cushions. Rubbing his face he leaned back and stared out the balcony windows. The moon outside was full and light streamed in bathing the condo with a comforting white glow. Taking a few deep breaths, he couldn't help but feel at peace, despite the fact he wasn't able to sleep..

. . . . .

When Sharon opened her bedroom door the next morning, the smells of breakfast assaulted her senses. A smile came to her face and she headed towards the kitchen. Rusty was standing by the stove flipping a large omelet. He was dressed in his school uniform and appeared to be completely ready for class.

"That smells wonderful! How did you sleep?" Sharon gently asked.

"The water in the teapot is ready if you'd like tea," Rusty replied bypassing her question.

Narrowing her eyes in concern, she walked to the cabinet and grabbed a cup. Choosing a caffeinated blend of tea, she poured steaming water over the leaves and leaned against the counter. Glancing over at Rusty, she took note of the dark circles and blood shot eyes.

"Breakfast is ready," he turned to her with a tired smile.

Serving them both, he sat and picked at his food. He was not exceptionally hungry but knew he needed some protein, if he was going to make it through the day.

Sharon watched him shove his food around. He hadn't eaten much since his mother died. She had suggested hamburgers, pizza, even going out to a restaurant, but he turned everything down. She could tell he had lost weight, and she had no idea how to help him. It was something she was planning on bringing to Dr. Joe's attention tomorrow.

"Rusty, did you get any sleep last night?" she asked, her eyes gazing with concern at him.

He shook his head.

"You know you don't have to go back to school today. No one is expecting you until next week,"

"Yes I do Sharon. I have a lot of make-up work to catch up on, and you are needed at work. Please, don't worry about me,"

Smirking, she forced herself not to laugh when he told her not to worry. She considered herself his mother; of course she was going to worry. If he could only see what he looked like from her standpoint, he'd understand why she was so concerned. She was worried about his emotional health. He'd stopped having conversations about his feelings. He was constantly pale and his bout of insomnia worried her even more. Sleep deprivation caused situations to become worse than normal, and even caused paranoia. It was pointless arguing with him though, so she simply hummed and dropped the conversation. She might not think he was emotionally ready, but maybe being with his school friends, and getting back onto a routine would help.

"If you feel you need to come home early, or if you need me for anything, text or call," she replied instead.

"I will," Rusty said taking a few bites and pushing his plate to the side.

"Will you be at the precinct after class?"

"I think I'll just head back to the condo, if that's ok,"

"Of course it is," Sharon replied, secretly wishing he'd change his mind. Her motherly instincts were screaming at her that something wasn't right. She couldn't quite figure out what it was, but she wanted to keep an eye on him.

Looking at her watch, Sharon quickly grabbed her belongings, waiting as Rusty grabbed his, and then wrapped her arms around him. She smiled when he returned the hug. If anything, she knew how much he loved her and she needed to trust him.

"Text me when you get to school and when you are back at the condo please,"

"I will," Rusty replied, refraining from rolling his eyes.

. . . . .

Walking into the precinct, Sharon greeted her squad and asked for an update on where they were, and what they had discovered. Flynn and Provenza explained everything, with Sykes adding a few pointers. Then Tao asked the question that was on everyone's mind.

"Captain, how is Rusty doing?"

Sharon smiled sadly, "He's doing better than I expected, but he isn't sleeping or eating much. He chose to go to school today,"

"Is he ready for school?" Sanchez asked.

"I don't think he is, but I'm hoping getting back on a routine might help,"

"If you need anything, please let us know," Tao responded.

Thanking him, they began to work on the case. Around ten, Sharon caught up with Flynn in the break room.

"Andy, could you do me a favor?"

"Anything," he replied, stirring cream into his mug.

"I would like to drive by and check out the house where Rusty's mother died. Would you come with me?"

"Of course. When were you thinking?"

"Around lunch?"

"Sounds good," he replied.

Fifteen minutes after eleven, Sharon met Andy at his car.

"Thank you for doing this with me," she replied as he held her door open and she slid into the passenger seat.

They drove over in silence. Sharon's mind on how Rusty was doing, and Andy's on what they were going to find at this house. Thirty minutes later they pulled into the neighborhood. Flynn's eye widened as he parked next to the curb of Rusty's childhood home.

"Sharon, are you sure about this?" he asked.

Looking at the dismal conditions of the house and yard, Sharon felt a chill run up her spine. Hearing Rusty speak about the state of the house and actually seeing it in person were two very different experiences. It frightened her to know he showed up here alone without informing anyone. If he had been injured…

Shaking her head, she abandoned that thought.

"Yes, Andy. I am absolutely sure about this. I need to see and feel what he experienced,"

Squaring her shoulders, she stepped out of the car and marched up the sidewalk. Climbing the first of the two steps on the decaying porch, Sharon pictured her teenager standing here. What was going through his mind as he prepared himself to enter this house? He had mentioned feeling a bit afraid, but he didn't really talk about his thoughts or feelings. Putting a hand to the back of her neck she rubbed her stressed tense muscles.

"What's going through your mind?" Flynn asked gently, noting her stressed appearance.

"I can't believe he came here alone. I…" she sighed closing her eyes in an attempt to

gather her thoughts.

"As a parent, you do your best to teach your children about the dangers of the world without scaring them too much. You have to travel that thin line between sheltering them, and backing off to allow them to grow into independent adults. Rusty had to grow up too soon. Seeing this house, and knowing this probably was not his first time experiencing a drug house, or living in unsuitable conditions, saddens and angers me. I just want to wrap my arms around him, and protect him from everything and I can't. He's an adult. I never got that chance with him like I did my other children,"

Flynn nodded. He knew how much Rusty meant to her, and the whole team.

"I wish he had called me so I could have spared him the horror of finding his mother in that state,"

Putting a hand on her shoulder Flynn said,

"You can't change the past. He didn't call you, probably to protect you. All you can do now is love and support him, which you are already doing. He's going to get through this. That kid is tough. It's just going to take time. Remember, you are not alone. If things get difficult you can always call one of us."

"I appreciate that Andy,"

"Shall we go inside?" Flynn asked putting a hand on his gun and reaching for the handle of the front door. Swinging it open they both coughed.

"He went in here!?" Flynn gasped out waving a hand in front of his nose at the horrible smell.

Sharon's eyes just widened, and together they walked into the house, retracing the steps Rusty took. Sharon had a pretty good idea, by the end of the tour, what kind of horrors Rusty had endured. Officers had cleaned up the needles and drug paraphernalia, but the ghosts of the house still remained. Outside on the porch, they both gulped in fresh air.

"Did you get what you needed out of there?"

"I got enough," she replied grimly heading back towards the car.

Sliding into the passenger seat, she sighed and leaned back into the chair closing her eyes. Glancing over as he slid in, Flynn frowned.

Eyeing him and noticing his concerned look Sharon said,

"I'm fine Andy. I'm just processing everything. At least now I know a little of what he experienced,"

Her mind wondered back to that first night when they arrived home, after his therapy session with Dr. Joe. He had walked to the balcony window, his backpack still on his shoulders, and stared out into the darkness. After awhile he wondered around aimlessly, lost in thought. She had watched him, while she warmed up leftovers, and ate her food. Getting changed into pajamas, she had come out to the living room and found him on the couch leaning back against the cushions. His eyes were closed and his forehead was creased with worry lines. Sitting next to him, unsure of what to say, he suddenly opened his eyes.

"I have my mom's eyes," he replied dully.

Wondering where he was going with this, she remained quiet, hoping he'd explain.

After a few silent moments he sighed,

"Sharon, is there a chance I'll become a drug addict like my mom?"

"No," she replied confidently.

"People might have the tendency to become addicts easier than others. But, ultimately it's your choice to partake in those things. Knowing the kind and wonderful man you've become, I don't see you consuming illegal substance or abusing alcohol,"

Turning to look at her, he had smiled a real smile for a second before saying,

"I know it's late, but I can't think about going to bed yet. Would it be okay if we watched a movie?"

"Of course," she replied allowing him to choose his favorite. He was asleep halfway through, and covering him with a blanket she watched him. She hoped he was having sweet dreams and not reliving his afternoon. She stayed up, monitoring him till she could no longer keep her eyes open. Then she had headed to bed.

Bringing herself back to the present, she glanced at her watch.

"Thanks again Andy. I know that wasn't pleasant. You've become an amazing friend and I don't know what I'd do without you,"

"Anytime Sharon," Andy said with a smile.

. . . . . . .

Closing the door to the condo behind him, Rusty leaned against it, allowing his bag to slide off his shoulders. It had been a horribly long day. Every one of his teachers had pulled him into the hall, to make sure he was doing okay, and to offer their condolences. Then the amount of homework he needed to make up was ridiculous. Even though it had been an emotionally difficult day, he was glad he had decided to attend school. He could only imagine how much make-up work he'd have, if he had stayed home the entire week.

Dragging his backpack to the couch, he sank into the cushions and placed his elbows on his knees. Lowering his head into his hands, he tried not to think about anything. He was tired of thinking about his mother, tired of not sleeping, tired of the emotions that regularly flooded his body. He felt he was losing control, and it scared him. He had always been in control of his emotions. He had gotten good at forcing back tears. But, right now, he found himself crying or feeling angry and hurt all the time. It was an effort to try and remain pleasant around Sharon. It wasn't her fault, and he didn't want to hurt her or accidently blame her for his mother's decision.

There was a part of him that wished he was dead. He wished there was a way he could numb himself from the pain he was feeling. He understood he was grieving, yet he wished he didn't have to. Life seemed so difficult right now, and death so easy.

"It wouldn't be difficult to die," he thought, picturing the over-the-counter sleeping pills he'd seen in the cabinet. He'd been living here almost three years and he had never seen Sharon take one. He figured they must have been Jack's or one of her children's. Rising he walked to the kitchen and opened the cabinet. Taking down the box containing the sleeping pills, he checked the expiration label. They were still good for another month. Rusty looked at the other medicine items in her cabinet ranging from aspirin to flu capsules.

"Nope, not difficult at all," he thought.

Popping all the sleeping tablets out of their package, Rusty counted them on the counter. There were seventeen. Reaching for a glass, he filled it with water, slid the tablets into his hand and walked back to the couch. Opening his hand, he looked at the pile of pills. So easy, and yet there was this little voice begging him to reconsider. It reminded him things would get better, that it was just a difficult time right now.

Shaking his head, he put the hand holding the pills to his mouth, ready to toss them back, and stopped when Sharon came across his mind. He saw her coming home and finding his unconscious body on the couch. He pictured her fear, the same fear he felt when he had discovered his mother. Dropping his hand, he emptied it onto the coffee table and began to bawl. He couldn't do that to her. He wouldn't put her through what his mother had done to him. He loved her and he knew how much she loved him.

Dragging his backpack closer, he fished inside for his cell phone. Pulling it out with shaking hands, he managed to dial a number. Then between uncontrollable sobs, he managed to say,

"Please come home. I need you!"


	4. Chapter 4

Glancing down at her watch, Sharon sighed. It was close to four in the afternoon and Rusty had yet to text her. She knew he had to be home from school by now. Willing her cell phone to ring, she decided she would give him ten more minutes before she gave him a call. She didn't want to annoy him by being overprotective, but it was his first day back, after the situation with his mother. She wanted to make sure he was okay. All day she felt uneasy about his decision to attend class. She knew he needed to go back eventually, but three days, in her opinion, was too soon to come to terms with losing a parent. Particularly the way he had lost his.

She had debated arriving at the condo around the time Rusty was scheduled to be home, but they had ended up arresting their main suspect. By the time he had confessed and made a deal with them, Rusty's school day was almost over, and she and the team needed to complete their end-of-case notes. She had decided to do the revisions at work, so she could spend quality time with him at home.

A knock on the door startled her.

"Come in," she said, smiling when Flynn walked in.

"Hey, are you almost done with the paperwork? We were all thinking of going for drinks later, and wondered if you wanted to join us,"

"Thanks Andy, but I need to head home. I don't want to leave Rusty alone for too long,"

"I understand. How is he doing?"

"He tries hard to act like he is fine but…"

Her phone chose that moment to ring. Glancing down, she saw it was Rusty and answered it.

"Rusty, are you home?" she asked, frowning when she heard sobbing.

"Please come home, I need you!" he cried. Sharon's chest tightened with anxiety at those words.

"Rusty, what happened? Are you okay?" she asked standing and promptly closing her laptop with a sharp click. For Rusty to reach out and ask for her, could only mean something happened, or he wasn't coping well. She could finish the case notes tomorrow.

"I can't do this,"

"What can't you do?" she asked, looking over at Flynn. Her eyes portraying worry even though her voice sounded calm.

Flynn moved further inside the office wondering what was going on. Rusty meant a great deal to him, and he knew from the look on Sharon's face, and her side of the conversation, something wasn't right.

"Sharon, you know that I love you, right?"

Sharon froze, her heart pounding so hard she felt slightly dizzy. No conversation that started with please come home, and continued with the need to confirm she understood he loved her, could be good.

"Rusty please tell me what's going on? Did something happen at school? Are you hurt?" she asked bringing a hand to her forehead.

"I…" the phone disconnected and pulling it from her ear, she quickly dialed his number. It went straight to voicemail, and the sudden need to cry from frustration and fear, caused the skin around her eyes to redden.

"Dammit!" she murmured under her breath. Reaching for her purse, she brushed past Flynn, antsy to get home. Everyone's head turned towards her as she rushed out of her office.

"Sharon, what's going on?" Flynn asked following close behind,

"I've got to go," she replied stepping up her pace. She missed the concerned looks from her team as she flew by without acknowledging them.

"Sharon!" Flynn said again, stopping in the middle of the room, and looking at his co-workers with a questioning shrug of his shoulders. He wasn't sure if he should follow her or call her later.

"What the hell is going on?" Provenza demanded.

"I don't know. Rusty called, and from her side of the conversation, something is wrong with him,"

"Go," Provenza told him.

"What?"

"Go after her. See if she needs any help," he replied, rolling his eyes at how dense his friend could be.

. . . . .

Sharon couldn't drive fast enough. It took every ounce of self-control not to turn the sirens on, and fly though the traffic and red lights. She forced herself to abide by the rules and remain in the present, although her mind kept obsessively going back to the brief conversation she'd had with Rusty.

"Please, let him be ok," she thought over and over as she turned into the parking garage of the condo. Walking briskly inside, she pushed the button for the elevator, relieved when it immediately opened and she didn't have to wait.

Inserted the key in the lock of her front door, she took a deep grounding breath, and pushed her way inside. Rusty was sitting in the center of the couch with his legs pulled up against his chest. His eyes were red and swollen, and he was so still, he almost appeared comatose.

"Rusty! Rusty what's wrong," she asked dropping her purse onto her desk and frowning at his silence. Walking towards him she noticed his eyes were fixated on something on the table. Following his gaze, panic and horror filled her when she saw the pills. Her mouth went dry and she felt slightly weak and unsteady. Forcing down panic, she reminded herself that she needed to remain calm. Rusty would respond better if she did. She needed to get the facts so she could help him.

"Rusty, how many have you taken?" she asked her voice low with worry. Reaching for the phone she had shoved into her pocket, she debated calling an ambulance or rushing him to the hospital herself. Walking closer, she identified them as sleeping pills. She vaguely remembered Jack leaving a box here a few visits ago.

Rusty remained silent. His gaze never wavered from the coffee table.

"Rusty, I need you to tell me, right now, how many you have taken," she asked again, the urgency of the situation clearly heard in her voice.

Sitting next to him, she placed a hand underneath his chin, and forced him to look directly at her. She noted his eyes were focused, and his pupils appeared to be a normal size. He also didn't appear to be drowsy or out of it. If he had taken any, it was only recently.

"None. I couldn't do it," he finally replied hoarsely. His eyes revealed the pain and shame he was feeling, before he glanced down at his lap.

Feeling the tightness in her chest release a little, Sharon gathered him in her arms and held him tightly.

"You did the right thing Rusty. Thank you for calling me," she whispered. She was grateful they wouldn't be spending the night in the hospital getting his stomach pumped, and dealing with a twenty-four hour psychiatric hold.

The doorbell rang, and frowning she debated ignoring it, but Rusty pulled away from her embrace saying,

"It's okay, answer it,"

Standing up, she swept the pills into her hand and glanced at his cell phone, which was sitting next to him.

"It died," he softly replied to her questioning look.

Letting out a little sigh, she headed towards the door, half surprised to see Flynn. His eyes looking worried as she stepped into the hallway, one hand on the door handle.

"Provenza told me to go after you. We're all worried. What's going on? Is Rusty okay?"

Blinking back tears at the thought of what could have happened, she glanced back at Rusty before closing the door the majority of the way.

"Rusty is not handling his mother's death well. I need to make an emergency appointment with Dr. Joe. When I came home all these were in front of him, " she opened her hand revealing the pills.

Flynn's face paled and his eyes widened.

"Oh my God! Did he…"

Sharon shook her head. "He said he didn't, and he isn't acting out of it. His pupils also appear to be normal, but he needs to discuss this with his therapist. I also need advice on how to handle this situation,"

"What can I do?"

"If I can schedule an appointment with Dr. Joe this evening, would you search his room and all the cabinets for anything he could easily use to hurt himself?"

"You got it," he replied putting a hand on her shoulder as she unlocked her phone and looked up Dr. Joe's number.

Flynn took that moment to head inside and sit in a chair next to the teenager. Rusty barely raised his head to acknowledge his presence until Flynn said,

"I'm proud of you for not going through with it and calling Sharon. It takes a lot of strength to do that,"

Looking up at him, Rusty gave him a brief, sad smile, before leaning his head back against the couch cushion and closing his eyes.

Sharon was beyond relieved when Dr. Joe answered on the third ring. Explaining the situation, he told her his last appointment had canceled and to come in.

. . . . .

The drive to Dr. Joe's was thick with tension. Rusty chose to stare out the window and Sharon worriedly glanced over at him, wishing she could read his mind. What had pushed him to the point that he debated taking his own life? She felt like there was something she was missing; some part of this entire situation he wasn't sharing with her or his therapist. She hoped he would explain today.

Dr. Joe greeted them with a somber smile as Rusty, guided by Sharon, stepped into his office.

"Rusty, would you like to talk alone or could Sharon stay with us?"

"She can stay," he replied softly, taking a seat on the sofa. Sharon sat on the other side, realizing how exhausted she suddenly felt. This situation had taken a toll on her emotionally, and she wondered how therapists dealt with these situations on a daily basis. They both turned their attention to Dr. Joe as he took a seat.

"Rusty, I understand today, you debated taking sleeping pills and ending your life,"

Rusty nodded looking down at his hands, which were folded in his lap.

"Did something happen at school? Have you been debating ending your life since you discovered your mother?"

Rusty was silent for so long, Sharon wondered if he was going to answer. Finally, he managed to say,

"I can't sleep Dr. Joe. Every time I close my eyes, I see her lying there on the floor," he wiped at the tears that leaked from the corner of his eyes, and accepted the box of tissues Dr. Joe handed him.

He was silent for a few more minutes and Sharon ached to wrap her arms around him, but remained on her side of the couch, ready to offer her support.

"When I walked into our old house several day ago, I was scared. I had no idea what I was going to find. I had a feeling she overdosed, but finding her dead had never crossed my mind. When I saw her lying on the floor, her head was turned to the opposite wall. I knew something was wrong because she was so still, but it wasn't till I shook her…"

He trailed off as a sob escaped, and he looked over at Sharon with a look of fear and uncertainty. Scooting towards him she reached for his hand. Clutching it, he accepted the silent support she offered, before saying,

"Her head rolled towards me and her eyes were glazed over and lifeless. It was like she was staring right through me and I freaked out," he said looking at Dr. Joe with shame written on his face.

"You discovered your mother was dead. It is completely natural to freak out, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I can understand why you are experiencing nightmares and can't sleep,"

Rusty nodded saying,

"I have her eyes. Every time I look into the mirror and I see my eyes, it's like seeing her dead lifeless ones,"

Nodding her head slightly, Sharon understood what he meant when he told her he had his mother's eyes that night. She wished he had explained it then, but at least now she understood.

"In my dreams, when I arrive in that room, its me lying there, instead of her. It's my eyes that are lifeless. Last night's dream, when I walked in and shook her, instead of her head rolling towards me, she sat straight up and talked to me with her dead unseeing eyes. She told me I was alone now. She's right, I am all alone,"

Sharon opened her mouth to correct him, but promptly closed it. As much as she wanted to convey to him he wasn't alone, she didn't want to interrupt him.

As if reading her mind, he turned to look at her.

"I know I have you, but other than you I have no one. I don't know any of my biological relatives. I don't have friends besides the team. I'm all alone,"

"I am so tired of seeing her everywhere. I am tired of not being able to sleep and having nightmares. I am tired of being emotional. I feel like I cry all the time. I miss her, yet I don't. I miss who she used to be, before the drugs, and I'm upset she'll never have the opportunity to show me she's changed,"

Dr. Joe nodded.

"I'm also angry with her. I hate her. I hate her for what she put me through. I hate her for not getting better. I hate that I was the one who found her. She was selfish and I wish I could tell her that, which makes me feel horrible because she was my mother. You're not supposed to hate your own mother,"

Pausing for a second he went on.

"Then today, while I was at school, all the teachers kept pulling me into the hall to tell me how sorry they were. They wanted to know how I was doing. I know they meant well, but it was a constant reminder of what happened. Memories, both good and bad, of our past together, kept coming to my mind,"

He looked over at Sharon who gave him a comforting smile.

"All morning, I told myself I hated her, that her death meant nothing, because she hadn't been there for me in so long. But, she wasn't a completely horrible person. I have good memories of her as well, and I found myself missing her. When I arrived home, I felt overwhelmed. It's confusing alternating between hating her one-minute and loving her the next. I was so tired and I remembered the sleeping pills. Sleep sounded wonderful, especially when I had hours of make up homework ahead of me. I felt like I was going crazy, and I realized how easy it would be to overdose like my mother did. Dying just seemed so much easier than living and dealing with all these emotions and memories I have of her,"

When Rusty fell silent, Dr. Joe calmly said,

"It is not wrong to feel hatred towards your mother Rusty. What she did to you was selfish. She put you in horrible situations as a child. She manipulated you, and made you, the child, take care of her, the adult. Being the child of an addict is confusing, especially with a parent who didn't become an addict until you were older. It is also normal to miss her because she was your mother, and as you said, you do have a few good memories of her,"

Sharon nodded her head trying not to allow her own feelings towards his biological mother, show on her face. She was grateful Rusty had a few good memories of his mother, but the only memories she had, were ones of allowing her boyfriend to beat him up, and abandoning him at a zoo. She felt disappointed and angry with her. She couldn't fathom why this woman didn't see what a loving and wonderful son she had when she was living. Part of her was relieved she was dead because now, Rusty could move on with his life without her manipulations. The majority of her felt guilty for even thinking that way. It was challenging watching him struggle because of the way she treated him. She wanted to take away all his pain, but this was something he had to deal with on his own. She could, however, make sure he knew she was there to support him.

"Add insomnia, healing from an abusive childhood, and the emotional turmoil of grief, and I can understand why you might believe dying would be easier," Dr. Joe continued.

"But, you have so much life to enjoy yet, Rusty. Don't let your mother's inability to live to her full potential, affect you. You're going to be graduating from high school. You have plans to attend college soon. So, lets talk about ways to handle these alternating emotions, and the steps you are going to take if you feel like ending your life again,"

The rest of the session, Dr. Joe discussed coping skills. Then they came up with several steps Rusty would take if he felt like killing himself. Dr. Joe printed off multiple sheets to place around the house as a reminder.

"Rusty, I am proud of the way you handled your feelings and reached out for help. Before you leave, I need you to make Sharon and me a promise. If you should feel this way again, you call one of us, like you did today,"

Rusty nodded his head.

"I need you to say it," Dr. Joe said with a smile.

"I promise,"


	5. Chapter 5

For the first half of the ride home, Sharon and Rusty were silent. Sharon's thoughts were on everything Rusty had mentioned in therapy. She knew what happened wasn't her fault, but she couldn't help but feel a little guilty. She knew he hadn't been sleeping. She had woken every morning to find him up and dressed, which was unusual for Rusty, who preferred to sleep till noon. The circles under his eyes had darkened, and she felt like there was something he wasn't sharing.

He was grieving though, and in her experience, everyone grieved differently. The last thing she wanted to do was push him to open up when he wasn't ready. She had stressed several times he could talk to her about anything. He had seen Dr. Joe and had another appointment scheduled for the end of the week. Technically she had done everything right, yet she still couldn't shake this feeling there was something more she could have done.

Rusty felt conflicted as well. Every time he glanced over, he could see the worry in Sharon's eyes. She was a master at hiding her emotions and keeping her face placid, especially when it came to interrogating suspects. At this moment though, her walls were completely down. He felt horrible knowing he was responsible. He should have talked to her about the nightmares. He should have talked to her about how overwhelmed and depressed he felt. He just didn't want to burden her after everything she had done for him. Glancing at her face though, he realized it was the wrong decision, and he felt horrible about it.

"Sharon," Rusty said softly as she braked at a red light.

"Yes," she replied turning to look at him.

"I'm sorry for thinking about killing myself and making you worry. I'm sorry for not discussing how I was feeling with you earlier. I know I just added more stress for you, and I'll understand if you don't want me to live with you anymore,"

"Rusty, " she began pausing as the emotions she had been repressing the past few hours caused her voice to become thick and shaky. It hurt her to know that he still believed himself to be a problem. It was another thing to tack on to the list of things his birth mother had done to him. Forcing herself to think about their current situation, and not her disgust at his mother, she swallowed hard and touched his left shoulder.

"You have nothing to be sorry or worried about. I am pleased that during a moment of crisis you reached out for help. You might have been tempted to end your life, but you didn't. You called me and agreed to see Dr. Joe. I'm sorry I didn't realize how you were feeling. I love you and nothing will take that love away. You are always welcome in this home,"

Rusty gave her an embarrassed, unsure smile; the one he always gave whenever Sharon mentioned loving him or wanting him in her family.

"Sharon you have nothing to be sorry for. I really should have said something earlier, I just wasn't sure how to talk about this,"

He was quiet for a few minutes before saying,

"You're the reason I didn't do it. I didn't want you to find me like I found my mother,"

Stunned, Sharon stared at him. His latest admission confirmed how much he loved her. She was grateful she had taken him into her home. It had been challenging at times, but she couldn't imagine her life without him now. Whatever it took, she would make sure he got through this.

An annoyed car horn alerted her to the fact the light had turned green, and waving an apology, she pressed the gas pedal.

Stepping into the condo behind Rusty, Sharon was surprised to find Flynn was still there. His grey suit jacket and tie were off and lying neatly over the arm of the couch. Rising, he glanced back and forth between their tired faces.

"How are you feeling?" He asked Rusty as Sharon shut the front door and proceeded towards the kitchen.

Shrugging his shoulders, Rusty collapsed onto the couch.

"If its okay with you Leut. Flynn, I really don't want to talk about it,"

Nodding in understanding, Flynn walked towards the kitchen where Sharon stood looking through the fridge to see if there were any ingredients she could quickly throw together for dinner. She wasn't hungry and Rusty had told her earlier he wasn't as well, but it was close to eight and they needed to eat something.

Finding nothing that remotely looked appetizing, she closed the fridge and reached for the take out menus.

"What sounds appetizing Rusty: Chinese food or Pizza?"

"Sharon, I told you I wasn't hungry," He called out from his spot on the couch.

"I understand, but we need to eat, so if you don't make a decision I will,"

"You decide,"

Rolling her eyes at Andy she asked,

"Chinese sound good?"

"Only if you want me to stay. If you all are too tired, I can leave. I just wanted to make sure everyone was okay and to let you know all the medications and knives are in a bag in your room"

"Please stay. Consider it a thank you for helping us," she replied reaching for the house phone and calling the number to the Chinese restaurant. Hanging up a few minutes later, she excused herself and walked to her bedroom to change out of her work clothes.

Alone, for the first time since six-in-the-morning, Sharon leaned against the side of the bed and wrapped her arms around herself. It had been a difficult day between work and Rusty. Her body was exhausted and running on adrenaline and she couldn't seem to shut her mind off. She hoped dinner and a cup of tea would help her relax. Tomorrow was sure to have its challenges and she needed the energy for whatever was thrown her way.

Reaching for a pair of worn blue jeans, a grey tee shirt and her favorite sweater, she thought about the afternoon. She couldn't erase the anguished look on Rusty's face from her mind. To say she was merely worried about him was an understatement. The whole situation with him finding his dead mother, and then being tempted to end his life, had all happened when she was at work and unable to control the situation. She hated not being in control. She hated the fact that she hadn't been able to protect him. It unnerved her how close she had once again been to losing him. The thought of what she could have arrived home to if he hadn't called made her feel sick.

Sliding into her comfy clothes, she debated several options to deal with their current situation. Yes, she and Rusty had a crisis plan. They both knew what steps needed to be taken in case this happened again, but a simple piece of paper didn't give her peace. It was merely a reminder of what needed to be done. If he was truly in a bad place emotionally, that piece of paper wouldn't do much, and she couldn't allow this to happen again.

Knowing Rusty and Andy were waiting on her, she decided to postpone her decision for later when she had time to think. Throwing her shoulders back, she walked out of her bedroom and towards the kitchen, where her two men were sitting at the dining table. Rusty was looking at his homework and Flynn sat next to him explaining what appeared to be a math concept. Smiling at the sight, she headed towards the stove to turn on the burner for the teakettle and found it warm.

"Rusty informed me you like a cup of tea in the evening," Flynn said as she reached into the cabinet and pulled out the makings for a cup of lavender tea.

"Thank you," She replied pouring water onto the infuser while watching Rusty. He was pale and his eyes looked stressed and exhausted. Dunking the tealeaf infuser a few times, she walked towards the table where she hoped to ease Rusty's stress. He needed to relax so he could sleep tonight.

"What are you working on?" she asked exchanging looks with Andy.

"Algebra. It's due tomorrow and I have so much make up work. I don't want to become further behind than I already am!"

"You've done well though. You only have a few more problems," Flynn gently replied.

"Let me see your assignment book," Sharon said sliding it closer when Rusty turned it in her direction. Her left eyebrow rose when she saw the amount of work he had to complete. It was more than she had expected and she could understand why he was panicking.

"Did they give you a due date for these assignments?" she asked closing the book and taking a sip of her tea.

"No, but they assign homework every day and…" He dropped his head when he felt tears prick at his eyes.

"Honey, it's going to be okay," Sharon said reaching a hand across the table and clutching his.

"It's been a long and exhausting day. All I want you to do is focus on completing this assignment. Tomorrow I'll make an appointment with your teachers and we'll figure out a way to get everything done,"

Wiping at his eyes, Rusty nodded giving them both a tired smile.

Dinner arrived thirty minutes later and Sharon and Andy chatted lightly amongst themselves. They tried to bring Rusty into the conversation but he was reserved. After ten minutes of merely picking at his food, he excused himself, set his books on the coffee table and walked towards his bedroom.

When he was sure Rusty was out of hearing range, Flynn asked,

"It he really okay? Is there anything the team or I could help with?"

Looking at the amount of food left in the container, Sharon felt the knot she'd had in her stomach all afternoon tighten and shook her head.

"He's not okay Andy and I'm worried," tears caused the skin around her eyes to redden. Putting a hand to her forehead, she shook her head slightly and smiled when she felt a hand on her arm.

Accepting the comfort he offered, Sharon allowed herself to calm down before standing up.

"Let me check on Rusty then we'll talk,"

Knocking on his bedroom door, Sharon waited till he opened it. He was dressed in pajamas and looked absolutely exhausted.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay, and also to let you know that if you need anything, please don't hesitate to wake me up,"

"I will Sharon. Thank you for everything,"

Wrapping her arms around him, Sharon held him tight before releasing him.

"Promise me you'll wake me up if you need me,"

"I promise," Rusty replied with a yawn.

Returning to the living room she found Andy on the couch. Sitting next to him she reached for the decorative pillow clutching it tightly to her chest.

"So what's going on?"

"I'm not going to share everything so I don't break his trust, but I can say that he is experiencing flashbacks from finding his mother,"

Andy sighed knowing how challenging that could be. To this day he still remembered the first dead body he saw on the job, and it wasn't anyone he knew or loved.

"I can't get rid of the anguished look on his face when he was talking in therapy. He looked so miserable. Andy, I'm worried he'll be tempted or actually try to kill himself and I'm not sure what to do. In therapy we created a crisis plan and both myself, and Dr. Joe are on his speed dial. He even made us a promise that he'll call

one of us if these feelings arise. I just don't think it's enough,"

Andy frowned. The steps were all there, but she was right, it wasn't enough when it came to something as serious as this.

"I wanted him to take tomorrow off of school, but he is determined not to miss another day because he doesn't want to fall behind. After seeing the amount of catch up work he has I can understand that, but I don't think he should be unattended at the condo right now,"

Flynn agreed moving closer to his friend and gently reaching for her hand.

"I can't begin to tell you how scared I was when I saw those pills on the table. I love him like he is my own child and I'm worried. I'm worried he'll try again and what if this time he doesn't call and is successful? I don't think I could survive if…" she trailed off unable to complete the sentence.

Pulling her close, Flynn kissed the top of her head wishing he could take away her anxiety. He wished Rusty had reached out for help when his mother called instead of rushing to her himself. He wished he could have been the one to find Sharon Beck's body. But, wishing didn't solve anything. He knew Sharon needed advice, or at least someone to agree or disagree with whatever plan he was sure she had.

"Rusty knows how much you love him and he showed you how much he loves you by calling you during a difficult time. I personally don't think he'll try again, but until he is further along in the healing process and isn't having horrible flashbacks, I agree that he isn't ready to be alone,"

Sharon was silent for a moment before saying,

"I think I need to talk to the principal and make the same plan with them as I did when he was being threatened. I'll see if Buzz will tutor him again, and then he can complete most of his assignments online at the precinct. This way we can keep an eye on him. If, after a few weeks he is showing improvement and is ready, he can return to school,"

"That was my suggestion as well. If he tries this again though, you'll need to think about admitting him to a treatment facility,"

"I'm hoping it won't come down to that," Sharon replied yawning and laying her head against his shoulder.

They stayed wrapped in each other's arms for a few minutes before Andy shifted and rose to leave.

"I'm sure you're exhausted and I should probably think of getting some sleep,"

Rising, she walked him to the door. Turning he gave her a hug saying,

"If you need anything give me a call. I'm just a few miles away and I'm here for you both,"

"I will," she said with a tired smile.


End file.
